Today, I will hate myself.
I will try to write, and cry because what I write isn’t good enough. I will think of my lover, and cry because I’m not good enough. I will get frustrated and yell at the cat, and cry because I was mean to her. I will see a porn gif, and cry because my body will never look like that. I will think about my own depression, and get scared about the direction I’m headed, and cry consequentially. I will try to leave the house, and get overwhelmed and cry while trying to put clothing on. I will look around at my disheveled room, and cry because I have no drive to clean it. I will look at the package waiting to go in the mail and cry, because yet another day has passed where I can’t get up to go to the post office. I will read pages out of my book and hate how they sound, and I will pull at my hair, and cry, and yell and throw my notebook and pens at the wall, pull the blankets over my head scream some more because I am not good enough, and I will never be good enough.
So you walk into this new store right?
There’s this girl behind the counter and you make a bee-line to buy your goods from her when you’ve picked what you want.
She smiles and says hello, maybe laughs at your joke as she bags your items. Once the transaction has finished maybe you linger an extra second just to say a thanks, see you soon, etc, then you get on your way.
Later on in the week you wander into the shop again, just to have a look at that girl. You walk up to the counter and introduce yourself. She’s amiable and pleasant as she returns your greeting. You try to make small talk but she begins to get a little impatient, she reminds you she’s at work.
You keep persisting, occasionally just dropping in and trying to talk to her without even eluding to buying anything from the store ever again. Since your initial meeting you’ve discovered that she in fact owns the shop and it’s her only source of income.
She has a few customers lined up with goods to buy but you just keep hanging around by the till, trying to get her attention, distracting her.
When she asks you to leave you ignore her and call her rude. How dare she ignore your advances! You’ve bought from her before!
It doesn’t seem acceptable right? That’s because it’s not.
You can’t do it to people in real life, you can’t do it to a sex worker either.
no one ever congratulates you
for doing the really difficult things
like driving on the freeway or getting out of bed or
every friendship you make is a countdown
to the moment
when they finally can’t deal
with the missed calls and canceled hangouts
every friendship expires sooner,
you hear phrases like “bootstraps”
over and over
until you wish you had some to hang
you have to learn to simultaneously
relax your muscles
and move them with determination
you have to be in control
and you have to let go
at the same time
it’s enough to drive you into
a blubbering mess
music is a conduit
crying is a conduit
your dad calling is a conduit
everything becomes a conduit
for either having or not having another panic attack
you learn to stop making plans
because you’ll either disappoint yourself
or someone you care about or both
you accept all of it
you hope someday everyone else can
accept it too
The hip of a rose
A glass of red wine
Lotus and lily
A cantaloupe rind
First date gone awry
She sobbed softly
While I said goodbye
Finalized the first page of my book today, which may not sound like a lot, but it’s a milestone for me.